Most of my life I’ve absorbed the energy in the room. ⠀

I can feel when someone is uncomfortable, bored, invested, etc. and I tailor myself — my body language, conversation, and energy to appease. ⠀

In many situations I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying — or I rarely get to present my actual input because I’m playing this superficial game of making sure everyone is content. ⠀

For example, I could be going on about a topic with someone, but I can feel that someone else at the table is getting bored — so I tend to wrap it up and find another topic or just stop talking. ⠀

I used to think that this was me being strong, or at least good — but dear God it’s EXHAUSTING. On top of that I was left wondering what I even care about. ⠀

In a journaling prompt I was asked to write down my core values and I was struck. There was nothing I could think of that I care about THAT much. Rarely do I feel angry, and rarely do I feel passionate about something. ⠀

A symptom of spending more time appeasing than contributing. ⠀

With a lot of work and contemplating I’ve arrived to the conclusion that other people’s energies, moods, and thoughts are really none of my business. It’s not my job to perform for them like a circus monkey. It’s not my responsibility to make sure they’re interested or happy. It’s not my fault if they find my conversation or company uninteresting. ⠀

How freaking freeing that is. ⠀

My mission from here on out, and my practice is to simply be. Just be myself, talk about what interests me, do what makes me happy. Actually contribute to my experiences and relationships. ⠀

The goal is to be so whole and happy that others feel like they can do the same, and that’s what it truly means to influence the energy in the room.